lost..and found

I ve been feeling a litttle lost since the end of the 3 horrendous tests, a wierd neither here nor there feeling ... its like part of me is feeling that i m at the cross road of my uni life. At year 2 sem 2, i can either choose to take part in a cca that has combination of two things i enjoy the most, join artasy or self-declare a grown up and ditch tt thought and prep myself for IA, VIP amongst other things. .

i only like one aspect of it but i m too short for tt .. tts very sad n just too bad. Anyway that aside, I guess the decision of artasy n cheerleading is no longer a delimma, I ve decided to leave " growing up " for later n enjoy cheering n maybe artasy for the moment whilst maintaining a well-balnced life of studying n engage in sports with my friends. I would also love to pursue a spiritually enriching life. I love being close to god i ve never really admitted tt to myself so expressly b4 but yea I realise tts really true. I love being close to all his holiness n greatness. That feeling makes me feel serene and at peace. ..

No grudges, ill feelings or watever seem to exist in tt nice world. I remember feeling closet to god at 10 yrs old. I could not speak mandrain at tt time n my classmates well they sort of thot i was a wierdo in a strange way my reaction to all their nagative comments n treatment was to pray for them and continued being nice to them I didn't resent nor hated them in any way. I just wanted them to be happier cos i thot tt disliking a person n coming up with bad stuff to talk bout tt person was really exhausting. After a few months I guess things cleared up and they became good friends. hmm .. i began to have harbour ill feelings after the time my first boyfriend schemed against me I guess tt really affected me in a major way. Guess the betrayal n hurt was too much to handle. It s effect lasted from 13- 14 yrs old tt was really quite a bad period. I felt alone n sad most of the time n clueless to the reason behind the existence of such evil pple. I did a lot of self-reflection n i was quiet in school i decided to maintain a low profile and observe people. Since I was so clueless i figured observing would do me some good. after that period suddenly i realised tt i wasnt tt afraid to socialise anymore, my mentality was like ok its a great time to make friends i cant be afraid of pple anymore. n i ll just be more careful choosing my friends ones who are less likely to betray and hurt me.

BUt no more boyfriends for me ! I believed in treating my pals with upmost trust n believed in giving them the best of my friendship. Tt required quite a lot of time , the bonding phone calls till 12am every night, the outings after school all the way till 10pm , being a listening ear to broken dreams n hearts and the toliet trips. as one can guess studying was not in my vocab in secondary school. However, during tt period I still haf not riveted to my holy ways of 10yrs old. But, it was tt period when i felt tt i ve really learnt quite a few impt lessons. I ve learnt acceptance tt I shld accept my friends for who they are bad points n all. But, If i really cant accept them then i shld not be too close to them. otherwise it would really be emotionally draining. I guess I had high expectations of my self n tend to impose them on my friends. I guess i always believed tt being true friends one shld alwys want the best for ur friend n nothing less. Anyway, in summary during jc I ve learnt even more things n ways to handle how one shld react to unfavourable circumstances. Some tell me"sometimes u got to protect urself n not be too close to pple dun tell them everything tt makes u vunerable" But my question was vunerable to wat?! explanation" they ll use wat they know bout u to spin rumours u ll never know wat they ll say n rumours are affecting" ok fair enough my friends know me well enough to understand tt i m rather affected by wat others say. I really could not understand hwo furball could be so heck care bout wat other pple say. I mean i dun loathe comments but obviously ther may be some truth to wat others say n it s always worth taking them into acc.

That was my mentality one to two months ago .. I guess now i understand furball more.. and i understand theres a fine line being at peace with urself, nice n feeling gd spiritually n being naive. Now, i believe in doing wat i know is right n feeling wat i know is right set priortites straight n i want the best for everyone n try to give everyone my best not just my friends. I realised doing all these made me more confident of myself and tt makes me not affected by wat others say as my conscious is crystal clear. Now I know that at ten i treated everyone with pure kindness and sincerity out of innocence, now i shall do so with wisdom cos it is this tt truely makes me happy.