confessions of a non "independent woman"

Exams coming soon n prof cathnerine tay of law fac is not making it any easier.... Decided to blog a while after my fluids test. The woman is crazy on top of my engine modules i ve so many essays to finish ...on top of tt shes really naggy but I ve got to hand it to her she often toes the fine line betw reason n paranoial(wrong spelling but wat the heck) and manages to get away with it.. god! i m really careful around her n try to stay within 5m radius . Her mannerisms made the engine guys taking the mod swear off dating gals from law fac.

ok enough said about the interestingly naggy prof.Ok i admit i left some of my share of work to fred to complete for me n tt has been bugging me a lot. It made me realise wat a denpendent person i am. I cant really think of a period during which i can proudly say tt i ve been independent n can stand on my own 2 feet. During Jc my ex n furball has always been helping me with work.. my foundation was pretty weak getting into one of the top 5 jc was exciting but my academic confidence had hit an all time low. I remembered a painful period where i was supp to complete tut 0 of maths oh boy i knew almost nothing n can solve none I remembered seeking desperate help from this china dude called jianbo wondering how is he getting on now..

My chinese was also horrible to the core. I remebered my lst tutorial very vividly this chinese high guy called yuhong went thru every single question with me goodness he was like the walking talking dictionary and it took me from 4pm till 8 pm at night by tt time the gates were closed n we had to climb out. Nights and days were spent in furball s study room i was constantly seeking help from her n Rude her bf-to-be. Both of them esp rude were really smart rude has a photographic memory n decent reasoning skills to boot this guy can practically do the whole ten yr series of maths without thinking in like less than a wk. oh i think he did just tt. I never knew such pple existed! In engine now i guess i m sorta immune to it. Though i guess Amy's academic achievements really knocked the wind out of me. Anyway, immersed in all this acedemic smartness, I guess they can be really good workers n professionals but
my friend mentioned tt whether they haf the ability to be great bosses n carve a niche tt remains to be seen..

Anyway, besides friends in JC my tutors have also contributed a huge part to me getting to where i am today.. they had special remedials for me n advised me on time management ..telling me to quit my ccas ...
these pple may not have remmebered wat they did but i will never forget their help.. i guess i am eternally grateful to them.

During year one of uni i had this nagging feeling tt i ll not be able to survive the system well at first i reallyn nearly drowned in it no more special attention by tutors.. everything is done on ur own.. So not used to it Fred has done a lot to help me thru my lst yr also printed notes get text books... edmund helped me in programming ahh basically almost everything helping me cross check my maths calculations cos its always the wrong ans.. huishan helping me with tutorials ... second yr lst sem there was an improvement but not much cos during the design n modeling class jimmy helped me complete one lab, the next one was contributed by zul the last one i think fur ball helped me n weixian practically did the whole thing for me ....during lab sessions mr chia shanming was my saviour n i remebered calling him up at wierd hours to help me with my report.. he was so patient tt made me more guilty.. all these confessions is making me miserable .. I m guilty as charged My offense: being a dependent person. This sem i guess i ve improved a bit but i still depend a lot on my friends n fred to print stuff for me...

I confided in jimmy on how reliant i am on others esp fred. He told me he also did a lot of stuff for his gf such tt she felt tt she cant survive on her own when he went overseas. Jj said tt he is also begining to spoil xling by doing stuff for her. the situation is like u dun really haf to worry about being responsible for urself when u haf someone looking after n looking out for u. Its like if u forget to bring cash or enough cash for tt matter u know the guy will almost always haf enough money on him next, if u haf lessons back to back n no time for lunch at the crowded canteen ur bf might be able to get u sth u like .. i mean fine i admit i enjoy being spoilt but at the same time i know its not gd for me.. i guess most of guys i know in uni who are in engine really do a lot for their gfs some even to the extent of missing tutorials just to run errands in order to appease the gal i guess engineers do make gd boyfriends reliable n stable hahaha '( information only based on personal experience sample space may not be large enough to come to conslusive results)

anyway so the question is :
is it gd to spoil ur gf?? is there really such a thing as gender equality??

haha this sounds like a gp essay question i guess it was always nice to be treated especially nice but one must be discerning n not let urself be spoilt.
i guess there should be equal opportunities and respect for both genders, if there isnt then people shld work towards a society which offers tt but there can never be gender equality in a sense.
this dialogue by the female lead and her granddaughter in a bollywood movie really struck me
: " who is tt boy n why are u out with him at this wierd hour?"

:"stop interferring in my personal life. times have changed grandmama women are equal as men"

:" times haf never changed for a woman"

hmm i guess i dun totally agree with tt sweeping statement but i guess in certain ways tt is true..

love n life a commitment or imprisionment is there even a difference

thoughtful after catching up with my best budd since sec 3 or at least he's my best bud among my circle of guy friends. I mean I m really happy that things with his gf is gg great ..however, their situation has given me new perspective.. I mean I dunno if I m old fashioned or wat so ever but well to me there s a major diff betw being friendly n gg overboard i mean i dun really hug or like any sorta body contact even though i m close to a guy friend.. me n clem have been pals since a long time n used to chat till wee hours of the morn n go for movies together even when we were both single there here has never been any form of phy contact betw us.. i mean i guess its not really fair for him to want her to change just cos they got together i guess if u love some one u gotta love n accept the whole package .. its like the person wont really be herself if u want her to change just cos of commitment in a relationship ... boy somehow commitment sounds like imprisonment. but i guess commitment does not have to be imprisionment

I guess one must really know wat u re in for b4 stepping into a relationship.I heard some shocking news today during my feedback lect after tt I just could not cioncentrate .. I guess we are all really growing up into adulthood where tough decisions gotta be made and those decisions are based on looking whether is there a future tt both can look forward to.. goodness all this tihngs are happening so freaking fast I thought at was onli 2 yrs ago when i was getting ready for prom exciting bout uni n hafing fun.. how fast time flies n now so many decisions to make its like career choices..n potential life parthners ahhh so scary! I mean sure i wanna get married n have kids someday I used to think that my future husband would be someone i work with n then we ll do everything togehter build careers together .. i used to picture something like we ll be working on buiding some machine n at the same time taking turns to look after our kids n clean the house every sunday n oh yeah not forgetting embarking on a holiday once in a while (spontaneously) in a white jeep n go dipping in the nice blue ocean .. hahaha ok i m dreaming again (xling n jj if u re reading this i know wat u re thinking ).. back on track.. everyone around me are trying to get attached or seriously considering wat kind of life parthners they re looking for n those who got together in the first place just in the heat of the moment without much consideration are breaking up as they dun see a future together.. the reason being: "i dun wanna waste his/her time" thats a trite phrase i ve been hearing ..

i mean am i really tt old or is it just an engineer thingy being practical pple...like if this part doesnt fit then we shld throw it away.. hmm ok lets do the math lets see i m 20 and i ll graduate when i m 22-23 n then i ll haf work to earn $ to save up if i wan a decent house to live in n a nice wedding dress haha tt ll take 2 yrs there about n then i ll be 26 or 25 hmm ok time to get hitched i think ..
here's the formula:

20+ ( time to graduation )+ (time to earn $$) = time for wedding bells

hmm ok 5 yrs hmm judging from my friend's mum who knew her dad for 9 yrs b4 geting hitched 5 yrs seems like a really short time goodness i mean i do haf a bf now but as life has proved time n time again the world is full of uncertainties oh wat the heck I ve so many other things to worry about like my fluids test tmr tt itself is one major uncertainty!!

real glad the guys arent camera shy n enjoy photo taking a smuch as we do.keke think joo, and shengfang really love phototaking n its sorta became a way of life .. on almost every outing we never fail to snap a few pics..in sumaary ling's bdae was great the friends which includes me by t he way heheh really made the diff . the cake her ex bf bought was delicious too n the chalet think jj really gave her loads of supp too way to go dude.. which reminds me i ve yet to come up with how to celeb my 21st .. for my 20th bdae my bf bought me strawberries n cherries haahah knowing i wont eat any cake or icecream really afraid of putting on the kilos n a neckless my pals bought me a pair of levis.. so did my mum.. i wonder wat i shld do this yr..

jimmy is apparently disillusioned by his self proclaimed "good" looks and has seized the opportunity to flaunt it by trying to dominate the photo haha this guy even mixed up ABC hottie with IBC (indo born chinese) 

lets see in this very successfully taken grp photo theres Zul, me , shengfang aka sunshine, iris, abel, jimmy boy, xiaoling, jj and the 2 gals in th emid are joo and serene .. its amazing how pple bond together as a grp.. no back stabbing , rather open bout stuff guess treating each other with respect n knowing hown when to joke ard has seen us thru mechanics quizes..boring lectures.. toturous labs  

think its time to pay tribute to my dearest cutest and most fun loving boredom killer.. my uni mechanical engine peeps.. I really love u guys.. this tribute is long overdue i ve been wanting to add this entry since god knows when.. I thot tt to make this a little more interesting i ve decided to create this entry thru the pics of xiao lings 21st bdae.. which was like in late Jan this yr..this is the pic of the banana choco cake frm sweet secrets..  

thsi shot was taken at the recruitment drive right after my feedback tutorial haha the macho guy is Bob this cheerleaderfrom TH sure is strong! 

cheerleading welcome tea .. me n xliong decked out in true blue cheerleading fashion .. in alina's previous NJC uniforms heheh hope to get our own NUS uniforms soon .... the background shows the mess we created on the floor.. two guys from ACES actually took the trouble to check our welcome tea out .. tts real stressful ! so glag the ceiling was too low to do any stunts else so embarassing if we fall n land on our butts !1

thots of a stressed up person

Been feeling a little disoriented lately this may partially be due to stress of coming exams.. cheerleading... some thoughts I had gathered along the way.. ok i guess if i wan to make this blog a meaningful one i should type out my thoughts in a systematic order..

Firstly, on Monday as I was sitting on the bench minding my own business, i overheard a conversation between this prof and an Asean scholar apparently, she was from Vietnam. and she was taking her masters n seeking help froom the prof on her career as a teacher. It was the tone of her voice and the way she spoke tt struck me.. Her voice was firm but gentle and it was very humble the way she addressed the prof was so respectful she went like "yes sir" ..."yess sir" all the way and she really took in everything he said. She addressed the prof in a manner which is very diff frm the way the locals. In comparison we re brash.The way we view the profs are like ok we pay them the fees they better do sth for us and it is and they re obliged to help us. It is so unlike this meek n gentle student.. wow how rrefreshing.. I wonder is this their culture or is there really sth wrong with us. ..I guess Singaporeans are a more pragmatic bunch i mean true we paid the freaking sch fees so we expect to get our moneys worth of education and if the lecturer cant help us well tt wld often be viewed as a waste of time n money. I mean its true in a way but i guess maybe we could focus more on the part whereby we just respect them as our elders n educatiors pple who haf undertaken the uphill task of imparting knowledge onto us instead of machines who are supp to perform their task which is teaching. Well I guess tt is rather idealistic but well without ideals the world would seem ike a rather dreary place dun u think..

Anyway this made me think of the maths lecturer the infamous chu Delin. Boy, sometimes I really do feel sorry for the poor dude. I really think Singaporeans are not exactly a sympathetic bunch esp when it is so competitive. Eeryone aims to score and then wham! u get thiis lecturer whose voice isnt exactly music to the ears, on top of tt keeps on deriving the whole notes full of equations and keeps on repeating himself like a broken down recorder so u get the picture. His lessons arent inviting to tsay the least but at least he trys really hard .. I really really feel sorry for him ... maybe someday i ll just tell him how i feel. hope his next batch of students wont be as harsh.

From this i really think tt it is really impt to get a grasp of the language b4 u even try to teach i it. NUS engin has so many lecturers from india, China mostly these two countries doing research in NUS and oh ya the famous fluids lecturer some guy who looks like santa clause who spent x mas stuying water droplets oh my god he really doesn t haf a life. anyway, his life is studying fluids and i really think his life pretty much revolves ard it. Even watching some match or fashion show his eyes and mind is focused on the fliuds coming from the small jets n not the show itself..
sometimes I really wonder what its like top be so damn freaking smart, I mean sometimes i really wish theres this smart potion for me to take n poof!! i ll be on the correct dean's list next semester ahahah. I feel like i need to work damn hard in order not to excel but just to keep my head above water. This feeling really sucks man I ve never worked so hard in my life b4 n i m actually feeling wats its liek to crack my head over some equation.

unconditional love of a family

lost..and found

I ve been feeling a litttle lost since the end of the 3 horrendous tests, a wierd neither here nor there feeling ... its like part of me is feeling that i m at the cross road of my uni life. At year 2 sem 2, i can either choose to take part in a cca that has combination of two things i enjoy the most, join artasy or self-declare a grown up and ditch tt thought and prep myself for IA, VIP amongst other things. .

i only like one aspect of it but i m too short for tt .. tts very sad n just too bad. Anyway that aside, I guess the decision of artasy n cheerleading is no longer a delimma, I ve decided to leave " growing up " for later n enjoy cheering n maybe artasy for the moment whilst maintaining a well-balnced life of studying n engage in sports with my friends. I would also love to pursue a spiritually enriching life. I love being close to god i ve never really admitted tt to myself so expressly b4 but yea I realise tts really true. I love being close to all his holiness n greatness. That feeling makes me feel serene and at peace. ..

No grudges, ill feelings or watever seem to exist in tt nice world. I remember feeling closet to god at 10 yrs old. I could not speak mandrain at tt time n my classmates well they sort of thot i was a wierdo in a strange way my reaction to all their nagative comments n treatment was to pray for them and continued being nice to them I didn't resent nor hated them in any way. I just wanted them to be happier cos i thot tt disliking a person n coming up with bad stuff to talk bout tt person was really exhausting. After a few months I guess things cleared up and they became good friends. hmm .. i began to have harbour ill feelings after the time my first boyfriend schemed against me I guess tt really affected me in a major way. Guess the betrayal n hurt was too much to handle. It s effect lasted from 13- 14 yrs old tt was really quite a bad period. I felt alone n sad most of the time n clueless to the reason behind the existence of such evil pple. I did a lot of self-reflection n i was quiet in school i decided to maintain a low profile and observe people. Since I was so clueless i figured observing would do me some good. after that period suddenly i realised tt i wasnt tt afraid to socialise anymore, my mentality was like ok its a great time to make friends i cant be afraid of pple anymore. n i ll just be more careful choosing my friends ones who are less likely to betray and hurt me.

BUt no more boyfriends for me ! I believed in treating my pals with upmost trust n believed in giving them the best of my friendship. Tt required quite a lot of time , the bonding phone calls till 12am every night, the outings after school all the way till 10pm , being a listening ear to broken dreams n hearts and the toliet trips. as one can guess studying was not in my vocab in secondary school. However, during tt period I still haf not riveted to my holy ways of 10yrs old. But, it was tt period when i felt tt i ve really learnt quite a few impt lessons. I ve learnt acceptance tt I shld accept my friends for who they are bad points n all. But, If i really cant accept them then i shld not be too close to them. otherwise it would really be emotionally draining. I guess I had high expectations of my self n tend to impose them on my friends. I guess i always believed tt being true friends one shld alwys want the best for ur friend n nothing less. Anyway, in summary during jc I ve learnt even more things n ways to handle how one shld react to unfavourable circumstances. Some tell me"sometimes u got to protect urself n not be too close to pple dun tell them everything tt makes u vunerable" But my question was vunerable to wat?! explanation" they ll use wat they know bout u to spin rumours u ll never know wat they ll say n rumours are affecting" ok fair enough my friends know me well enough to understand tt i m rather affected by wat others say. I really could not understand hwo furball could be so heck care bout wat other pple say. I mean i dun loathe comments but obviously ther may be some truth to wat others say n it s always worth taking them into acc.

That was my mentality one to two months ago .. I guess now i understand furball more.. and i understand theres a fine line being at peace with urself, nice n feeling gd spiritually n being naive. Now, i believe in doing wat i know is right n feeling wat i know is right set priortites straight n i want the best for everyone n try to give everyone my best not just my friends. I realised doing all these made me more confident of myself and tt makes me not affected by wat others say as my conscious is crystal clear. Now I know that at ten i treated everyone with pure kindness and sincerity out of innocence, now i shall do so with wisdom cos it is this tt truely makes me happy.